It doesnt matter to you!!! I know (IDC)

I know,
it wont matter much to you.
Its not going to make much difference either.
Well, anyway its my story and what bothers you.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Doesn't make much difference either.

There is a noise, full of disturbance, inside my head.
Nothing is working fine. And I know its me who created it.
No, I am not asking for your help either. I dont want you to feel about this either.

Just that I want to take back things to that period where we laugh together.
I still pray for that day, when you and I will be together again smiling, fighting, arguing but above all give up the world for each other again, like we did.

*** when you are good ***

*** when you are good ***

Hey I'm screwing myself really well. Its not going to lead anywhere. There is no good thing that’s going to come out it.

I need to free myself but why I'm not able to. Whats the burden that the One Upstairs wants me to carry. Another humilation.

Or does it depend on me? I think its upto me… But tell me why I'm not able to come out of it.

Grandma ! You are the only one that bothers me. You are the only one I care for. And yet I'm not able to show this all.
I'm walking on a wrong path. I'm going on a wrong way. What should I do?

Mirabilis Mirabilis Mirabilis

That all that I can hope for.

Otherwise I'm just knowingly screwing my life.

"No Title"

Many things are running through my mind now. I can find out the exact words to say how m I feeling now. But I guess one word would be enough, Death. But it doesn't come so easily.
I don't know what would be running through your mind. May be disturbed, may be happy. I hope the second one is right. Afterall, you have all the reason to be happy.

Often my fingers run through the key pads in my mobile but heart is not so strong to do the act. What should I say now, What have I got to say. So many things, so so many. But its ok! I will take it along with me. Unconveyed.

Miss you a lot but, and the truth hurts more.

from Blue October - Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

Please lead my way.

Testing my patience?

You have let me walk through the flame not once but twice. And still I'm surviving. Its only because I trust You. I trust You that You'll have something good in store for me.

You know the pain I'm going through. Knowing someone so CLOSE. And then walking past the same person just like another stranger. Hiding myself. To know something about her now poisons my thoughts. But You keep bringing that person in every sphere of my life. You haven't left even my nights. Thought of taking rest for a while but You just brought her back there too. Where do I have to go now? What I have to do now?

I asked You several times before I started the relation. But was it me that was reluctent to listen to You? Have I contempted You?

A physical pain would not be as tormenting as the mental pain. Better give me some physical pain then this emotional pain.

Well this is just another story of a failed relation.

But don't let me compromise this time. It' ll be just as good as dead, if You let me do so.

Change me. Take me out of this place.
The thoughts are slowly poisonning my mind.

Its over or not? Its killing me Dear God.

A dream that will never be true. But show me some light... Please lead my way. Please Help me.

I always know it would be tough but never ever thought it would make me feel the same feeling of worhthlessness again. Now I feel as if there is no more meaning to carry on with life. Two years back the same thoughts covered my mind now its getting back again. How often should I have to suffer like this?

You always showed it will be tough for me also, TO BE WITHOUT YOU, but hardly I ever thought it will this much tough. Its my fault, anyway, to step in that way. It was my mistake to build up a dream. A dream from the beginning I always know would never come true...

I am writting all this here because I feel like dying and if I write something like this in my diary they will feel you are responsible for it. You are not. It me who is responsible. Well I don't think anyother good thing will ever happen in my life again...

I know it would be stupidity to give up life... But how long should I keep losing... How often do I have to fell down...

I will miss you forever... I have waited for you. But I don't think I will ever get what I am looking for....

The unwritten promise

Well, the circle is still not broken. But its running in the reverse direction.

I never imagined I could be so sick, I could become so cheap... Well the fact is I have missed out few important lessons of in life. My parent sent me to good school and college, but I think I have learned only what's written. I have not learned the meaning behind those words. I seem to have understood all but now I realised I have not.

I don't have words to explain my act. I don't know where my mind was that day. It wasn't me, but some kind of animal hidden inside me. A dirty animal hidden inside me. Will I get a chance to justify my action?

The fact is there is no excuse. No justification required because it was utter selfishness. Dude you were right I was wrong and I am wrong. It was extreme jealousy... It was the extremity of betrayal. Something like that would not have never happened in the human story...

By using those words, its me who has lost the dignity. Not you. I don't know what kind of face I had that day, I could stand up and speak to you like that...

May be, may be not, you can forget that moment but I am never going to let it go out of my mind. I don't remember doing any greater any blunder then that happened that day.

Don't worry my friend. You don't need to work hard to make my life terrible. It is already terrible now. It is already shattered. Its already broken.

I had broken the unwritten promise. And there is no forgiving for that... Never forgive me.